The Gift of Not Knowing
The Gift in Not Knowing
Grace for the First Time You Didn’t Know What to Do
When someone you love is diagnosed with cancer—or when you’re the one receiving the diagnosis—there’s no instruction manual. No prep course. No emotional GPS guiding you through the shock, fear, and overwhelming flood of decisions and emotions.
And yet, we often expect ourselves to just know how to handle it.
You may hear someone say, “I should’ve done more.”
“I should’ve known what to say.”
“I should’ve known how to support them.”
“I should’ve been stronger.”
Or worse, “I failed them.”
But here’s the truth: You couldn’t have known. And you’re not supposed to.
The Myth of “Should’ve Known”
We live in a culture that praises preparedness, strength, and performance. So when something life-altering like cancer enters our lives, it’s easy to feel inadequate—especially when we’re scrambling to keep up emotionally and physically.
But feeling helpless isn’t failure. It’s human.
You may feel like you were caught off guard. You were. Because life doesn’t train you to face the pain of watching someone you love suffer—or to wake up one day with a diagnosis that changes everything.
And that’s not something to be ashamed of. That’s something to be grateful for.
The Gift in Not Knowing
Not knowing how to react means you haven’t lived through this before. And that, in its own way, is a blessing.
You’ve never had to sit beside a hospital bed, searching for words that don’t exist.
You’ve never had to navigate chemo appointments, hair loss, or the weight of uncertainty.
You’ve never had to be the rock when you felt like you were crumbling inside.
The shock, the fear, the awkwardness, the silence—it all means this is new to you. And newness, no matter how painful, means you’ve been spared... until now.
So instead of guilt, allow yourself grace.
For the Caregivers Who Are Trying So Hard
If you’re supporting a friend or family member through cancer, you’ve likely questioned yourself at every step:
“Did I say the wrong thing?”
“Should I have gone to that appointment?”
“Why didn’t I bring it up sooner?”
“Did I miss signs? Did I show up enough?”
But cancer doesn’t come with a script. There is no right way—only the way you did your best, even when you were scared. Even when you didn’t have the answers. Even when you froze, cried, or pulled away because you didn’t want to say the wrong thing.
Being there, in whatever messy, imperfect way you could, was enough.
For the Patients Who Carry Guilt, Too
Many people facing cancer feel the same pressure: to be brave, to stay strong, to not be a burden. But you’re not a burden. You’re a human being facing something unfathomable. And you don’t need to perform strength to earn love or support.
You may feel like you “should’ve” caught it earlier. Or you “shouldn’t” ask for help. Or you “should” keep everyone else calm. But healing doesn’t happen in shame. And no one expects you to know how to carry this alone.
You’re Learning in Real Time
This experience is teaching you how to show up in a way you never had to before. That is not weakness. That is growth.
The first time we do anything meaningful or life-changing, we stumble. We feel uncertain. And that’s okay. What matters is that we keep going. That we learn how to love, support, and hold each other—especially when we don’t have the words.
Final Thoughts: You Did Enough
If you’ve ever whispered to yourself, “I should’ve known better,”
try changing the narrative to:
“I had never been here before… and I did the best I could with what I had.”
That’s not failure. That’s courage. That’s grace in action.
So here’s your permission to stop holding yourself to impossible standards. You didn’t know—because you weren’t supposed to. But you showed up. And that is more than enough.
